- Half of us are going to come out of this
quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking
problem.
- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of
Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
- I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
- PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for
fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
- I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the
clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was
obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my
dog..... we laughed a lot.
- So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600
Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
- Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE
KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I
have no clue how this place is still in business.
- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately
that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
- Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called
in a bomb threat.
- I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What
should I wear?
- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto
Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
- Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman
with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
- Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I
don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
- Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
Now for a nice performance:
