I’m on two diets. I
wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant.
A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” for them is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to
someone for a minute and thought “Their bread isn't done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth
and lock their doors
I asked my wife if I was the
only one she had been with...... She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...
I really don’t mind getting
older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an
adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread
was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the
morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and
ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this generation
try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and
have no punctuation.
I thought getting old would take longer.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
Confuse your doctor by
putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her
to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I
took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I
can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one
sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last
night. OK, so it was a roadside sobriety test... the same thing.
