- Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
- Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
- If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.
- Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
- A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.
- I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
- How much did Long John Silver pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
- Ron once worked at a Chicago pizza shop to get by. He kneaded the dough.
- Fran and her friends named their band ‘Duvet'. It's a cover band.
- Dave lost his wife's audiobook, and now he'll never hear the end of it.
- Why is ‘dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.
- Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? I guess, time will tell.
- When Bill told his contractors he didn't want carpeted steps,
they gave him a blank stare.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no,
not U2 again."
- Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.
- Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and
the results were staggering.
- I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are
really hard to find.
- I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it
was a rocky road.
- What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There,
their, they're.
- Greg went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger
dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."
- What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own
incision? Suture self.
- After going to California, Carolyn started telling everyone about the
benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. (Don't whine
about grape puns.)
