1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of
turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to
any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a
Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next
to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say
"nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but
whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and
ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a
goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like
"east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people
cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
