-I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
-A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in
a public restroom is worse.
-Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding
invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
-Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
- Have you ever listened to someone
for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
- Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
- “You will hit every cone on the
highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles
ago like I did.”
- I asked my wife if I was the only
one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
Give it a minute...
- I really don’t mind getting
older, but my body is taking it badly.
- It turns out that being an adult
now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
- I miss the 90’s when bread was
still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the
morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
-I want to be 14 again and ruin my
life differently. I have
new ideas.
- As I watch this new generation
try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ... it will be misspelled and
have no punctuation.
-I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an
appointment for Tuesday.
-Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same
time he does.
