01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
03. Do twins ever realize
that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean
something, you just make something else dirty.
05. The word
"swims" upside-down is still "swims".
06. Over 100 years ago,
everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and
only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from
monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
08. Why is there a 'D' in
fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I've grown older,
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is
a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for
what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like
deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for
idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but
obviously, there's a new strain out there.
14. It's not my age that
bothers me - it's the side effects.
15. I'm not saying I'm old
and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this
generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be
misspelled and have no punctuation.
17. As I've gotten older,
people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more
energy-efficient.
18. I haven't gotten
anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this
stupid plastic bag.
19. If you find yourself
feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of
lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
20. Turns out that being a
"senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again
and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas
22. I'm on two
simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
23. I put my scale in the
bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it
apologizes.
24. My mind is like an
internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no
clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once
had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without
knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep
pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
27. There is no such thing
as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being
polite and start being honest.
