It may be raining this morning but it will stop this afternoon and climb up to 10C. Here is my backyard February 4, 2017! I'll take an umbrella anyday over a snow shovel!
Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema.
The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that! 2:30 am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
