~Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
~Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
~Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought...“Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
~Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
~You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
~I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute…
~I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
~It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
~I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
~Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
~I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
~As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ...it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
~I told my wife I wanted to be
cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. (Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield)
~Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
~My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
~I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
~I went line dancing last night.
OK, it was a roadside sobriety test ... same thing.
