Particularly punny....

"Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear."
  - Mark Twain

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

 

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

 

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

 

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

 

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

 

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 

My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

 

I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

 

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

 

When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

 

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.

 

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

 

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road

 

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

 

A patient insisted on closing up their own incision to which the doctor said, "Suture self."

 

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness