Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.
I tried donating blood today…NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid
questions: Who’s blood, is it? Where did you get it from? Why
is it in a bucket?
When I offer to wash your back in the shower,
all you have to say is ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Not all this “Who are you and how
did you get in here?” nonsense.
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just
by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
One minute you’re young and fun. And
next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.
Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.
There’s nothing scarier that that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”
Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
