Aphorisms

♦  I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦  I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦  When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦  Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦  America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦  You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

♦  I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦  Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye. 

♦  You're not fat, you're just easier to see. 

♦  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦  I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦  I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦  Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦  The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦  I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦  Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! 

♦  The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.