• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
•Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
•Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
•I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
•If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.
•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
•We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended
•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot
•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH
•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
•If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
•Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
•I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
•Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
•Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
•Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
•I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
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