The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be
decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat
squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
When
I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the
bottle says.
Just
once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming
an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If
you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having
a meeting.
“Your
call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."
Does
anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I
hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy
is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s
3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I
ate mud.
Tip
for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while
she’s mowing the lawn.
So,
you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
Old
age is coming at a really bad time.
If
God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last
year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why
do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to
someone I can't understand anyway?
Now,
I'm wondering . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only
sent it to myself.
You
don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.
Your
people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
"On
time" is, when you get there.
Even
duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It
would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then
come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
Lately,
you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
"One
for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
